Tuesday, August 18, 2009

32 oz. of cold fresh sex

Hey all of you out there in blogger land. I am here.

I've been here, but I've been in partial hiding because I suspect the mayor has put a price on my head. I think he's using the meter reader as his contract killer...so I've had to lay low. And I've been especially mindful to use limited amounts of electricity!

For now, I think the bulk of the danger has passed although I can't say for sure.

I'd like to, at least, chronicle some last beer ideas in case I don't make it through the rest of this month.

So I'm gonna let you into my world of sexy fantasy....(do not stop reading- keep reading).

-Well, just make sure you have your passport stamped and ready for pleasure town, because the Bus O' Lust has just pulled in and we're all going for a ride and won't stop until we reach Climax Point.

Here's the setting.

I was talking to the missus the other day; which is something I try to do from time to time or else she won't let me grope her; occasional groping of course- I am, in fact, a gentleman.

Anyhow, we were talking, and she started saying "I think your drinking is gettin'....blah, blah, blah, hey, nanni, nanni...gesundheit....blah, blah, blah."

And my mind wandered where it usually goes, which just happens to be the dirtiest alley in the city that is my brain. And the usual suspects were there. Bill Clinton, George Clinton, the nice girls from the website suicidegirls.com and I were about to play nude red rover-red rover, when all of a sudden I snapped out of it.

I thought to myself, 'Self, what the hell are you doing? This is perverse by even your standards- think of the one true love of your life. Don't be a disgusting bastard!'

And I was right about myself. I am a disgusting bastard. So, I turned away from that alley and found a more respectable avenue in the red light district of the city I call my mind, and who was there tastefully dressed heel to toe in lace and silk but the love of my life- Zooey Deschanel!

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"Tibbs, my man- don't be a jackass! What about America Ferrera?"

Well, 'what about her? She's so 2008.'

Zooey is my main affection now, at least where I have a complete say-so and fate has no intervening hand.

Like I was saying, Zooey Deschanel walks over to me with her bedroom eyes and whispers softly.

"You know Tibbi; I heard you're native American. Guess what? I'm a cowgirl and I am about to ride the savage out of you, you tasty bastard."

*side note- one time a cute girl once told me she would 'ride the savage out of me.'

She continued to say..."I love your beer belly, it makes me so hot; just like Louisiana Sausage in the summer."

And I know it seems gross, but for a fat guy like me, this is probably the sexiest thing someone can say to me. Of course, other than what she said to me next.

"I want to drink a delicious American craft beer, preferably a triple hopped India Pale Ale, out of your belly button- you sexy braumeister."

For you skeptics: leave me alone- this is my world of sexy fantasy and if a beautiful woman wants to drink beer out of one of my orifices or crevices, that sure as hell is between her and I- and I usually have a waiver form handy just in case.

And about the probability that a beautiful woman like Zooey Deschanel would want to engage in a hot session with a fat beer dude like me- let me just say this:

Read it and WEEP! I am totally in style now...what do you guys think about that!!!!

(Go ahead, glance it over...I'll wait.)

(Continue blog here)

Well, for once I am ahead of the physical trends...sure it's a recession, but we don't have to look like it, right? Amirite? (laughing)

Emaciated is so pre-Obama...tub is lub!!!! (just pretend 'lub' is 'love')

I'll spare you the dirty details of my sexy mind romp with Zooey Deschanel, and I'll get to the goods.


So, I'm onto my next point (cue segue).

Why don't we have beer in the bedroom? There's aspirin in the bathroom right? And most likely there's petroleum jelly in the night stand. For some it may be under the pillow. (Just saying)

People would have such a good time and enjoy their lives better if there was beer in the bedroom.

I don't mean a tailgate trough full of ice and brew. That would be tacky.

I am talking about a nice mahogany headboard- with about five taps of beer above resting heads. Waiting for the proper moment which, upon utilization, will bring ecstasy and sudsy love to whomever dare pour a pint of pleasure for himself and his love partner.

Or, on the flip side...it could be used as a deterrent.

Don't want to have sex? Just reach above and pour a pint for your partner and watch as he/she delights in a proper alternative to lovemaking.

think about it- this could revolutionize the sex industry and bring a little sloppy excitement to mankind. No television, or books, or other propaganda- just bare essentials. Nude people, clean linen, and a delicious aphrodisiac.

( I know some people will say that beer is a sedative- which is true- but when you're drunk you want to have sex; who cares if its bad? Most people think they are great in bed while intoxicated- you know why? Because the person usually is intoxicated!)

Besides...a headboard full of cool tap handles is not only classy, but can be a creative decorative addition to any home...

Here comes the hard question.

"Tibbsy, what would you have on your headboard?"

Let's see...

I would have Cherish Kriek Lambic. A nice fruit Lambic rich with sticky cherry tartness and the right amount of carbonation to tickle anyone's fancy. Great brew foreplay...

Secondly, I would need Pink Killer from Belgian brewer- Silly. It's a delicious wheat based grapefruit beer. Aromatic as all erotic smell, with a lingering flavor that satisfies the palate and will turn anyone willing into a "Pink Killer" of his own. (if you know what I mean)

Thirdly, a beer from the folks at Dogfishead brewing get a choice spot on the sexy headboard of beer with their Imperial Pilsner, a delicious sharp, yet sweet style they have dubbed..."Golden Shower."- Alas, the beer is no longer called this due to gov't intervention, but I'm sure the tap handles are still around somewhere, and the beer surely didn't change I bet.

Fourth tap wold undoubtedly be from Flying Dog Brewery- a classic pale ale, aptly named for a classic sexy position- Doggie Style Pale Ale!!! That's right! Now you can drink you're favorite position presumebly whilst in such position. Nothing can be more gratifying, right?

And lastly, the money shot of beer- Climax brewing's Cream Ale....because nothing else looks better dripping from your partner's exhausted sweaty, sexy face...

(insert graphic photo here)

Well, that about wraps it up for my sexy beer idea...let me know what you think and what would be on your sexy headboard tap list.

And if you see my sexy Zooey Deschanel, tell her to take a number...I'll be right there as soon as I am done with the missus. 'Don't worry ladies, there's plenty of beer in this keg- if y'all know what I mean.'

By the way- this is Zooey, and just imagine I wrote the obvious Bang/Face joke....(go ahead and laugh- it's okay)

-Now if only I can get the missus to the Salon so we can get her dyed and "banged."


Sally Olivas said...

You're a crack-up, Tibbi! And a creative one at that!

pomona's art colonists said...

Can't stop laughing!
I'm all over this idea...
very close to the truth ;D

Oh...We love you Tibbi!
there's no one like you...
You are original!

Ren said...

Not to worry Tibbi hes to busy painting his curb red in front of his house

tibbi said...

-i should've guessed that- ren!!! (laughing)