Saturday, June 13, 2009


Here's an important question for man and woman alike, despite creed, color, or [insert additional retoric here].

What would Jesus drink?

The answer lies in another question; what did Jesus drink?

The Bible tells us wine dominated the ancient scene. Prostitutes, tax collectors, kings, disciples, and Jews alike all seemed to drink wine with everything and for any and every reason.

But history shows us throughout ancient Mesopotamia and Egypt among other places (around 9,000 years ago) favored fermented beverages based in grain (beer!!!).

Am I really to believe such deep and strong roots in brewing beer just disappeared in favor of wine; or is this just another papal cover up?

Well, you know what?

It is the biggest fuckin' papal cover up of all time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe (emphasis on the faith aspect) that Christ was totally drinking beer with the disciples and healing the sick all while under a cool buzz.

Think about it- 12 dudes....and no beer?

It wasn't girls night out. (if you know what I mean) Of course there was beer!!! There was bread wasn't there? Bread and beer not only taste delicious together, but guess what? They use the same ingredients! Coincidence? Fuck no.

What are the chances people would finish making bread and say, 'Hey that was hard work- I'm thirsty; I'm gonna ignore this spare grain and go harvest some grapes and make myself even more tired. Not to mention, I'm gonna end up dying my feet and lips purple too....'

People may have been smaller, but they weren't idiots. (not that wine drinkers are)

The Church must've got a good deal on some contract wine production. And with this they created the whole 'This is my blood; not really but it's wine, so enjoy it. But don't enjoy oral sex.'

(Oral sex+ beer= heaven; that's just mathematics....)

So, the papacy just started the whole wine thing and never looked back. They did some biblical editing and the truth is lost forever to the passage of time.

But luckily for us all; I am pretty good at guessing.

I think Jesus drank tons of beer. And I am willing to bet he drank a spiced ale rich in dark fruit flavors,sweetened with honey, emblazoned with grains of paradise and exotic spices (maybe cardamon) but refreshing in the daunting heat of being in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights. No way you can sustain yourself throughout the fertile crescent with Chardonnay in tow. And if it's Manischevitz- you're not going anywhere to preach. (you'll most likely be puking your brains out because you never should have paired the red with fish from the red sea!)

If Jesus were to take me home with him soon, I'd bet he hang around with me a little and have a beer tasting.

And this is what I would pour him.

Russian River brewing Temptation: a beautiful golden ale aged in chardonnay barrels- it exhibits a mild spicyness and great carbonation that bubbles thick fruitiness and crisp bitterness

Alesmith Horny Devil- This is a Belgian style strong ale from a San Diego brewing powerhouse!!!! It has evident coriander notes that bounce upon signature Belgian sweetness. But it's not puny by any means. It's a big beer for people that like to sin, just so they can be "forgiven."

Smaltz brewing H'ebrew Messiah Bold- I bet Jesus would love this brown ale...nutty and yet sweet.

And lastly a beer from Canada...

Le Saint-Bock Brasserie Artisanale crucifixion- a pale bock that for no apparent reason is called crucifixtion. I couldn't find a label photo-

Overall, I think Jesus would enjoy these beers, and would then say, "My son, what beer would you like to drink for all eternity?"

And I would say.

Jesus Christ, I'll take nothing less than the divine holy trinity of beers....

Russian river Blind PIG IPA, Russian River Pliny the Elder Double IPA, and Russian River Pliny the Younger Triple IPA

And now for a beer blessing...

Bene+dic, Domine, creaturam istam cerevisae, quam ex adipe frumenti producere dignatus es: ut sit remedium salutare humano generi: et praesta per invocationem nominis tui sancti, ut, quicumque ex ea biberint, sanitatem corporis, et animae tutelam percipiant. Per Christum Dominum nostrum. Amen.

Bless, O Lord, this creature beer, that Thou hast been pleased to bring forth from the sweetness of the grain: that it might be a salutary remedy for the human race: and grant by the invocation of Thy holy name, that, whosoever drinks of it may obtain health of body and a sure safeguard for the soul. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.


Anonymous said...

After reading your own interpretation of what makes more sense pertaining to what Jesus drank (beer, or wine) and why, I think you just might be on to something big here.

Do you think Lucifer (assuming to be a wine lover) fell from heaven because he and Jesus had a disagreement on what’s better, beer or wine?

tibbi said...

very probable....

good logic!!!!

John Clifford said...

From this wine drinker, Thanks Tibi!

Your insightful logic is probably very accurate. I'm sure that this will spur a lot of discussion in theological circles.

And your descriptions of the beers actually make me thirsty. You may just have shown me the light (although probably not). But perhaps I'll try a brew the next time I'm at dba.

Ed said...

I'll drink to that!

tibbi said...

gentlemen- i pour not only beer; but love and forgivness despite worship of false idolatry...(wine love).

all is equal among those who drink with open hearts

Anonymous said...


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