32 oz. of cold fresh sex

Hey all of you out there in blogger land. I am here.

I've been here, but I've been in partial hiding because I suspect the mayor has put a price on my head. I think he's using the meter reader as his contract killer...so I've had to lay low. And I've been especially mindful to use limited amounts of electricity!


For now, I think the bulk of the danger has passed although I can't say for sure.


I'd like to, at least, chronicle some last beer ideas in case I don't make it through the rest of this month.




So I'm gonna let you into my world of sexy fantasy....(do not stop reading- keep reading).

-Well, just make sure you have your passport stamped and ready for pleasure town, because the Bus O' Lust has just pulled in and we're all going for a ride and won't stop until we reach Climax Point.



Here's the setting.


I was talking to the missus the other day; which is something I try to do from time to time or else she won't let me grope her; occasional groping of course- I am, in fact, a gentleman.


Anyhow, we were talking, and she started saying "I think your drinking is gettin'....blah, blah, blah, hey, nanni, nanni...gesundheit....blah, blah, blah."




And my mind wandered where it usually goes, which just happens to be the dirtiest alley in the city that is my brain. And the usual suspects were there. Bill Clinton, George Clinton, the nice girls from the website suicidegirls.com and I were about to play nude red rover-red rover, when all of a sudden I snapped out of it.


I thought to myself, 'Self, what the hell are you doing? This is perverse by even your standards- think of the one true love of your life. Don't be a disgusting bastard!'



And I was right about myself. I am a disgusting bastard. So, I turned away from that alley and found a more respectable avenue in the red light district of the city I call my mind, and who was there tastefully dressed heel to toe in lace and silk but the love of my life- Zooey Deschanel!


Now, I know what you're thinking.

"Tibbs, my man- don't be a jackass! What about America Ferrera?"


Well, 'what about her? She's so 2008.'



Zooey is my main affection now, at least where I have a complete say-so and fate has no intervening hand.



Like I was saying, Zooey Deschanel walks over to me with her bedroom eyes and whispers softly.

"You know Tibbi; I heard you're native American. Guess what? I'm a cowgirl and I am about to ride the savage out of you, you tasty bastard."


*side note- one time a cute girl once told me she would 'ride the savage out of me.'


She continued to say..."I love your beer belly, it makes me so hot; just like Louisiana Sausage in the summer."

And I know it seems gross, but for a fat guy like me, this is probably the sexiest thing someone can say to me. Of course, other than what she said to me next.

"I want to drink a delicious American craft beer, preferably a triple hopped India Pale Ale, out of your belly button- you sexy braumeister."




For you skeptics: leave me alone- this is my world of sexy fantasy and if a beautiful woman wants to drink beer out of one of my orifices or crevices, that sure as hell is between her and I- and I usually have a waiver form handy just in case.


And about the probability that a beautiful woman like Zooey Deschanel would want to engage in a hot session with a fat beer dude like me- let me just say this:


Read it and WEEP! I am totally in style now...what do you guys think about that!!!!

(Go ahead, glance it over...I'll wait.)
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/13/fashion/13POTBELLY.html?_r=3&scp=1&sq=hip%20to%20be%20round&st=cse?no_interstitial



(Continue blog here)

Well, for once I am ahead of the physical trends...sure it's a recession, but we don't have to look like it, right? Amirite? (laughing)


Emaciated is so pre-Obama...tub is lub!!!! (just pretend 'lub' is 'love')





I'll spare you the dirty details of my sexy mind romp with Zooey Deschanel, and I'll get to the goods.


SEX. AND BEER.


So, I'm onto my next point (cue segue).


Why don't we have beer in the bedroom? There's aspirin in the bathroom right? And most likely there's petroleum jelly in the night stand. For some it may be under the pillow. (Just saying)


People would have such a good time and enjoy their lives better if there was beer in the bedroom.


I don't mean a tailgate trough full of ice and brew. That would be tacky.


I am talking about a nice mahogany headboard- with about five taps of beer above resting heads. Waiting for the proper moment which, upon utilization, will bring ecstasy and sudsy love to whomever dare pour a pint of pleasure for himself and his love partner.


Or, on the flip side...it could be used as a deterrent.

Don't want to have sex? Just reach above and pour a pint for your partner and watch as he/she delights in a proper alternative to lovemaking.


think about it- this could revolutionize the sex industry and bring a little sloppy excitement to mankind. No television, or books, or other propaganda- just bare essentials. Nude people, clean linen, and a delicious aphrodisiac.

( I know some people will say that beer is a sedative- which is true- but when you're drunk you want to have sex; who cares if its bad? Most people think they are great in bed while intoxicated- you know why? Because the person usually is intoxicated!)


Besides...a headboard full of cool tap handles is not only classy, but can be a creative decorative addition to any home...


Here comes the hard question.

"Tibbsy, what would you have on your headboard?"


Let's see...


I would have Cherish Kriek Lambic. A nice fruit Lambic rich with sticky cherry tartness and the right amount of carbonation to tickle anyone's fancy. Great brew foreplay...



Secondly, I would need Pink Killer from Belgian brewer- Silly. It's a delicious wheat based grapefruit beer. Aromatic as all erotic smell, with a lingering flavor that satisfies the palate and will turn anyone willing into a "Pink Killer" of his own. (if you know what I mean)



Thirdly, a beer from the folks at Dogfishead brewing get a choice spot on the sexy headboard of beer with their Imperial Pilsner, a delicious sharp, yet sweet style they have dubbed..."Golden Shower."- Alas, the beer is no longer called this due to gov't intervention, but I'm sure the tap handles are still around somewhere, and the beer surely didn't change I bet.



Fourth tap wold undoubtedly be from Flying Dog Brewery- a classic pale ale, aptly named for a classic sexy position- Doggie Style Pale Ale!!! That's right! Now you can drink you're favorite position presumebly whilst in such position. Nothing can be more gratifying, right?





And lastly, the money shot of beer- Climax brewing's Cream Ale....because nothing else looks better dripping from your partner's exhausted sweaty, sexy face...



(insert graphic photo here)


Well, that about wraps it up for my sexy beer idea...let me know what you think and what would be on your sexy headboard tap list.


And if you see my sexy Zooey Deschanel, tell her to take a number...I'll be right there as soon as I am done with the missus. 'Don't worry ladies, there's plenty of beer in this keg- if y'all know what I mean.'



By the way- this is Zooey, and just imagine I wrote the obvious Bang/Face joke....(go ahead and laugh- it's okay)




-Now if only I can get the missus to the Salon so we can get her dyed and "banged."

Last night

"Brewing Hope" was an overall success. I don't have all the numbers yet, but I'll let everyone know once everything is in order.


Thanks to everyone- I'd like to elaborate, but I'm tired!



"It's a good thing."-Ron Faris.

We interupt this beer blog-

I really hate doing this, but I had a very interesting conversation (confrontation) tonight. I don't wish to divert attention away from our upcoming 'Garden Fire" fundraiser, but at the same time; this is too good to pass up.


So here's the story.


Picture this- I am awaiting the results of the city council meeting, so I am working the bar as to provide dba256 the opportunity to have representation at the meeting. People start coming back and the news is great. The DPOA has been re certified. Great!!!

Everybody starts drinking and celebrating and the usual suspects are about and everyone is relieved. A council member walks through the door and is all smiles, and a little later the honorable Mayor Rothman arrives.

This isn't a big deal, but I really was surprised to see him at dba256 because it is a rarity. I have seen him at other establishments though.


Anyhow, a celebrating member of the DPOA walks up with Rothman to the bar an requests a beer to be put on the tab for the mayor. A Dale Bros. Pacific Daylight is ordered.

So amid the busy transactions and between duties, our honorable mayor is poured and served his beer. I continue to fulfill orders and he walks away. Everybody is having a good time.

Everybody is hobnobbing and schmoozing and all of sudden an associate grabs my attention and requests that I make it over to the other end of the bar where Rothman awaits. OK- sure...

I make my way over there and inquire as to what is needed, in the event I am to pour more beer for these happy campers.


And this is the conversation that ensued.


Third Party: "Tibbi, I'd like you to meet the Mayor, Elliot Rothman. Mayor, this is Tibbi."

Honorable Mayor of Pomona: (extends hand)

The city's favorite bartender: (extends hand and shakes)

Honorable Mayor of Pomona: "You're the one that writes/blogs, right?"

The city's favorite bartender: "Yup, I hope there are no hard feelings. (laughs)"

Honorable Mayor of Pomona: (While still engaged in handshake) "You're a very funny guy."(Pauses and glares) "There are lots of hard feelings."

Third Party: (Jaw drops) "Uh, Tibbi- you two know each other? I am so sorry..."

Tibbi: "No, it's fine. Don't apologize."

Honorable Mayor of Pomona: "I am a face to face man. When I was young we had CB radios. You know CB radios? People would get on them and talk- People would hide behind electronics. I didn't like that."

The city's favorite bartender: "Sir, I do not create illusions. What you see is what you get, my name is there and my photograph is there. I do not hide behind anything. I am always here and available-everybody knows where I can be found"

Honorable Mayor of Pomona: (Disengages handshake and ignores me as to walk away upset) "Well, (third party) I'll see you Wednesday." (Turns and walks away.)




What the hell? Really?


Did the mayor just attempt to cheap shot me while I was working and even serving him?

He knew damn well who I was when I served him his first, then second beer. My image is plastered everywhere and who can really not see me? I am a big fat bearded dude that always has a beer attached to my hand.

He picked a really shitty time to act so immature, seeing as we are all coming together as a community to help our own out. (Maybe city hall should take some notes)




He attempted to call me a coward and I am sure he was surprised by my reaction. Was I supposed to kneel before him and sob and beg his forgiveness because he's the mayor and that's that?


Is this fuckin' bizzaro world?


Look, I don't walk into city hall, open his office door while he's working and start boo-ing....but you know what? maybe I should....


Isn't there some city business to attend to? Maybe he doesn't have anything else better to do but to harass people while they are working, but I have much better things to do-

Like what you ask?

Like serve people tasty brew and promote our upcoming FUNDRAISER!!!!

I sure hope the mayor intends on making up for this debacle at the fundraiser by ponying up some funds and being mature. He wants to be face to face? Let him be face to face, with his wallet and an apology. He should help those in need and put aside his petty grievances. He's supposed to be a leader- not a crybaby.



He answers to us. He answers to me. He is my servant, so he should be getting me a beer and making me happy, not trying to throw his weight around because his itty bitty feelings are hurt.

Wow.


Come to think of it, I haven't said all that much about him. I've seen him in bars- drunk. I've seem him do plenty of things. It's time for him to stop pretending and to be accountable for his own actions. -I am. That's why my name is on my blog. That's why my contact info is on the blog. And that's why I stand by what I say!!!!

If he doesn't like it, I am sure there are plenty of other jobs he can do.


But, for him to accost me while I am working with the intent of insulting me; a constituent- that's just a pussy thing to do.


I am a native Pomonan. I am the eighth generation to live in Pomona. My family predates Pomona as a city and goes back to original land grant given to my great, great, great, great grandfather Don Ricardo Vejar. You know Vejar elementary? How about Vejar street? That's my family. We are indigenous (practially and literally) and I'll be dammned if some jerk is gonna come into my city and mess things up because he feels entitled to- and if he does- I am sure as hell not gonna be quiet about it, nor am I going to allow him to treat me as if I was some second class citizen.

Get some class- and oh...get me fuckin' beer while you're at it....

Brewing HOPE!

Beer can do a lot of things.

Well, I am a big fan of making beer solve any problem. And, the fires are no exception. I am organizing a Beer Fundraiser for those displaced by the 'Garden Fire."

I call it "Brewing Hope" and I plan on making people happy with beer and using the proceeds from that beer to bring about the necessary recourse for those involved in our local tragedy.



I remember meeting Fred last fall during his campaign. We drank some beers and talked about beer a little and he always remembered who I was- which is nice. Anyhow, he was a nice dude and I remember the time when he brought a torn out ad from a magazine to the bar. The ad was for Stella Artois- and it displayed the proper technique for pouring the beer. It made a decent impression on me, despite hating the beer.


Anyhow, I believe in the Van Allen philosophy as applied to gardenstuff and whatnot; it coincides directly to my philosophy on beer. Pure, organic, and beautiful. I get it. And they got it. And now I'd like to see them get it all back again, of course, alongside the rest of those displaced. I want life to be returned back to normal so we can all have a beer and feel all the better for having grown a little more in these trying times.


If anyone would like to help- contact me -idrinklocalyoucantoo@yahoo.com

The poster has all the information and we will be setting up a box for collection of toiletries, supplies, clothing and whatever else seems useful to those that need it. We will be selling beer donated by Dale Bros for donations to be directly given to the needy.

I might have some special tricks up my sleeve as well. Please come by and show your support. We're not celebrating, but we are reinforcing the human spirit with a little brew to ease our own worries and to soothe the day's hurries.

Cheers!!!! Please come by.

Sunday Beer Tasting

Come by tomorrow at five for Sunday School!!!


The class will be an introduction to INDIA PALE ALES (my favorite style)

I promise to keep it simple and not bombard your palate with too much hoppiness.

Citrusy, bitter delight for your tongue and the tonuge in your mind.



So come by and allow me to anoint your soul with tasty brew.

Cheers!!!!

HARD AT WORK

I have been hard at work lately.

I have been working on expanding distributorship of Hangar24's beers to the west of the San Bernadino county line. I am awaiting exact details, but if I have done my job right, I have two on premise/off premise venues and one off premise venue poised to start selling Hangar24 Orange Wheat and Pale Ale.

And there may be some delicious keg Hangar24 IPA on it's way to a tap near us too.

Just sitting and waiting to quench my thirst with some tasty brews just a little further than nearby...stay tuned.


Hopefully the folks over at Hangar24 will help us all out with a little brewed sunshine....

WWJD(rink)????

Here's an important question for man and woman alike, despite creed, color, or [insert additional retoric here].

What would Jesus drink?


The answer lies in another question; what did Jesus drink?

The Bible tells us wine dominated the ancient scene. Prostitutes, tax collectors, kings, disciples, and Jews alike all seemed to drink wine with everything and for any and every reason.


But history shows us throughout ancient Mesopotamia and Egypt among other places (around 9,000 years ago) favored fermented beverages based in grain (beer!!!).


Am I really to believe such deep and strong roots in brewing beer just disappeared in favor of wine; or is this just another papal cover up?


Well, you know what?


It is the biggest fuckin' papal cover up of all time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I believe (emphasis on the faith aspect) that Christ was totally drinking beer with the disciples and healing the sick all while under a cool buzz.

Think about it- 12 dudes....and no beer?


It wasn't girls night out. (if you know what I mean) Of course there was beer!!! There was bread wasn't there? Bread and beer not only taste delicious together, but guess what? They use the same ingredients! Coincidence? Fuck no.

What are the chances people would finish making bread and say, 'Hey that was hard work- I'm thirsty; I'm gonna ignore this spare grain and go harvest some grapes and make myself even more tired. Not to mention, I'm gonna end up dying my feet and lips purple too....'

People may have been smaller, but they weren't idiots. (not that wine drinkers are)

The Church must've got a good deal on some contract wine production. And with this they created the whole 'This is my blood; not really but it's wine, so enjoy it. But don't enjoy oral sex.'

(Oral sex+ beer= heaven; that's just mathematics....)


So, the papacy just started the whole wine thing and never looked back. They did some biblical editing and the truth is lost forever to the passage of time.

But luckily for us all; I am pretty good at guessing.


I think Jesus drank tons of beer. And I am willing to bet he drank a spiced ale rich in dark fruit flavors,sweetened with honey, emblazoned with grains of paradise and exotic spices (maybe cardamon) but refreshing in the daunting heat of being in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights. No way you can sustain yourself throughout the fertile crescent with Chardonnay in tow. And if it's Manischevitz- you're not going anywhere to preach. (you'll most likely be puking your brains out because you never should have paired the red with fish from the red sea!)


If Jesus were to take me home with him soon, I'd bet he hang around with me a little and have a beer tasting.

And this is what I would pour him.

Russian River brewing Temptation: a beautiful golden ale aged in chardonnay barrels- it exhibits a mild spicyness and great carbonation that bubbles thick fruitiness and crisp bitterness


Alesmith Horny Devil- This is a Belgian style strong ale from a San Diego brewing powerhouse!!!! It has evident coriander notes that bounce upon signature Belgian sweetness. But it's not puny by any means. It's a big beer for people that like to sin, just so they can be "forgiven."



Smaltz brewing H'ebrew Messiah Bold- I bet Jesus would love this brown ale...nutty and yet sweet.




And lastly a beer from Canada...



Le Saint-Bock Brasserie Artisanale crucifixion- a pale bock that for no apparent reason is called crucifixtion. I couldn't find a label photo-


Overall, I think Jesus would enjoy these beers, and would then say, "My son, what beer would you like to drink for all eternity?"

And I would say.

Jesus Christ, I'll take nothing less than the divine holy trinity of beers....


Russian river Blind PIG IPA, Russian River Pliny the Elder Double IPA, and Russian River Pliny the Younger Triple IPA


And now for a beer blessing...

Bene+dic, Domine, creaturam istam cerevisae, quam ex adipe frumenti producere dignatus es: ut sit remedium salutare humano generi: et praesta per invocationem nominis tui sancti, ut, quicumque ex ea biberint, sanitatem corporis, et animae tutelam percipiant. Per Christum Dominum nostrum. Amen.

Bless, O Lord, this creature beer, that Thou hast been pleased to bring forth from the sweetness of the grain: that it might be a salutary remedy for the human race: and grant by the invocation of Thy holy name, that, whosoever drinks of it may obtain health of body and a sure safeguard for the soul. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.