The missus and I watched "W" Sunday morning. I thought it was a great movie. Brolin does an awesome job. At first, I thought the movie was going to romp Bush the entire way- it didn't. It was a very humanistic portrayal and I think it gave some insight, but in no way offers up excuses.
Anyhow, after the movie, the missus turns to me and says, "I really think you should run for mayor."
-I've made a couple of jokes about it, obviously, but she was dead serious. I dismissed it and laughed, but I'm thinking about a grass roots campaign for NEXT election. Well, of course only on the condition the Aztec calendar allows for such an endeavor. (insert additional superstitious hogwash here)
I would love to be mayor- in the sense that I would love to be the head Pomonan. My heritage runs deep in Pomona, plus I would love to wear a top hat. I would definitely wear a top hat if elected, and that would be a major part of my platform. A top hat and monocle; it would be like photos and pictures of early savages turned "civilized."
I know what you're thinking, "Isn't 'Tibbi' an Urdu word? And aren't Pakistanis terrorists? Is that why you have a beard?"
Well, to you pundits- yes. It means "medical" in Urdu. And I have a beard because it's a sign of virility (no enzyte here ladies- don't need it). But, let's face it, "Tibbi" is just a cute name that softens my image and makes me approachable.
Enough of the little details though. Let's go over my philosophy and plan for the betterment of my city- Pomona.
This, of course will be done in my favorite- the question and answer format.
What qualifies you for mayoral candidacy?
Good question- I am a lifelong resident of Pomona. I work in Pomona. And I have my roots in Pomona. If anyone had been witness to Pomona's growth or lack thereof, it has been people like myself. I feel I have a unique perspective to this city which will undoubtedly help me serve this city.
How does being a bartender correlate to being a good candidate for mayor, you jackass?
As a bartender, you have to know when to cut people off and kick people out. Enough said. (Watch out Carrizosa, you'll be the first to get the boot- medium style)
Aren't you a drunk?
That's really none of your damn business- yet.
We don't need another spic trying to run our city, what makes you different?
Technically, I am not a spic. I am indigenous to Pomona by way of several generations. The key to Pomona's recovery and overall growth is to make the general population comfortable with and proud of Pomona. All too often Pomona has been used as a midway point from those fleeing the big city (Los Angeles) to more destitute grounds (San Bernadino). People don't care about her (Pomona)- we're just a civic halfway house. I want to change that by using code enforcement to crack down on our neighborhoods and help raise property values for our homeowners. A huge section of our population rents, so eliminating neglected properties will help instill pride among our caring citizens.
With this we can expect to see safer streets, paving the way for better execution of community projects and events. People won't buy into the concept of community if they can't leave their homes for fear of violence and conflict.
Yes, it's true. Many of our citizens are not legal citizens of this country. The fact remains they make up a large portion of California's consumer driven power. I don't want to cater to this demographic completely to the point where donkey shows are prevalent and mobile taco stands are everywhere, but I do want to grab hold of that sales tax revenue. To do so, we'd have to dedicate our support to more local businesses and to more demographically specific businesses provided they comply with the laws (employment related and tax related...etc.).
Mexicans took our jobs!!!
Well sir, what is your industry?
Uh, I'm a marketing analyst...
Oh, so you never picked oranges or washed dishes?
No, went to Cal Poly...
Anyhow, we can maintain a safe city, reap the benefits of commerce, and still have a strong community if we stop compartmentalizing they way the city works. Everyone has to know our objectives straight out. Everyone has to be in on it. No personal agendas.
What happened to the idea of Fourth of July block parties? What happened to neighborhood barbers? What ever happened to Otis from the Andy Griffith show? I loved that guy.
What have you done in the private sector that gives you confidence in your ability to run the city?
Look, I have no private sector experience. Pomona is not a business. The efficiency of the private sector doesn't mix with the red tape of sleepy civic government. All you get is road rage on tricycles. (remember I coined that guys) I think we need a shot of common sense and a bottle of perspective.
I've been mugged in the city! Yes, it's true. I once walked down to the store at night to get a pack of cigarettes and a dude tried to take my money. A big black dude grabbed my pocket and I punched him.
Did you knock him out?
No- it didn't faze him at all, he was high. He then threw me into the street. He came at me again, so I punched him and ran for my life. Do you think I wanted to leave Pomona? Hell no! I stopped smoking cigarettes, and the next time I saw that dude, before he could say a word to me I whipped out my knife plain as day.
Why are you telling me this?
It's for two reasons
A: So, you know I'm tough and I will cut you.
B: So, you know I have faith in this community and I've seen it from all sides. Businessmen, educated men, and political men have good ideas but sometimes they don't translate to the everyday Joe just trying to get to the store for a pack of cigarettes without getting mugged or running into a girl everybody already has fucked, who by the way is pregnant and a school dropout at 14.
I love my city, let's share it with the world. Vote for me and I will turn this city around.
My name is Tibbi, and I keep it fresh like ziploc, son. Vote strong, vote for your neighbor-me.
By the way, the city has too much property remaining unused profitably, but that's another blog.